When did the words “I” and “Why” become so bad?

If you are coach or a facilitator, then maybe you should limit the use of these words but leaders – it is about time you reclaimed them. Leaders need to be using the word “I” when it comes to expressing how they feel regarding something and certainly to take responsibility.  Stop passing the buck by disappearing into that innocuous and vague collective “WE”.

When did the word “I” become all about me.  There is no “I” in team.  Spare me.  As Peter Jager would say “Just as ‘there’s no I in TEAM’ there’s no meaning in such sayings”  (via @pdejager)  Clearly, the leader isn’t announcing that he or she did it all himself or herself. Even dictators recognize the need to create devoted followers if at all possible. What I see happening more is the “leader” today is hiding behind this facade of collaboration and engagement to avoid accountability. Of course, one big group hug is not what either collaboration or engagement is about – but that is for other posts.

When did the question “Why?” become so accusatory?  So you think that asking someone why is attacking and guaranteed to put a person on the defensive? It is the intention behind the question and the state of mind of the listener. All the 5 question types can sound challenging:

  • Why did you do that?
  • What where you thinking?
  • Where do you think you are going?
  • How dare you?
  • Who do you think you are?

Why is the verbal manifestation of curiosity in children. Why is the stuff that dreams are made of.  “Some look at things that are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were and ask why not?” (George Bernard Shaw not JFK)  How can we possibly address the issues of strategy, vision and purpose if we don’t ask the question “Why”?

You want a little more credibility as a leader?  Start using the first person when you should and remain open to possibilities by asking first yourself the hard questions.  Practice the  5 Whys, a question-asking method used to explore the cause/effect relationships underlying a particular problem.  Begin in your mind  . . . Why is this so?

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  • http://www.aspire-cs.com/ Mary Jo Asmus

    Roberta, great food for thought here. I caution my clients, when they coaching, to simply be aware of the word “why”. It can be seen as accusatory depending on the tone of voice. On the other hand, with a neutral or curious tone, it can surface all sorts of interesting things. Additionally, with a little thought, many “why” questions can be turned into non-accusatory “what” questions.

  • http://www.EclecticChange.com/ Roberta Hill

    Thanks MJ. As you know, I tend to take the opposite view to try to draw some comparisons. It is a good idea to “warn” clients of the risks when using the “Why” word. I do suspect that if it is an issue for them, then they may have similar issues with other questions. I do contend that “Why” is a fundamental question for innovation, vision, creativity, exploration, strategy etc. Leaders must be prepared to ask it and it will help others to look at the bigger picture as well as their values.

    Disclosure: Of the five W's and How, questions – I have discovered that different “personalty types” have a favourite – and mine is WHY.

  • http://www.technobility.com/ Peter de Jager

    Hi Roberta,

    Here's a short extract from an article (http://www.technobility.com/docs/article071.htm) that I wrote some time ago. Enjoy…

    As children, our most commonly asked question, designed to help us understand how the world works, and not just drive our parents crazy (although that was fun), was the loaded question, “Why…?” It was closely followed by the other questions “How?”, “Who?”, “Where?” and “When?” (Reporters expanded this list with “What?” You have to go to journalism school to learn this)

    I don’t know if those questions, especially the question “Why” are hard wired into our brains, but it would not surprise me, if some extremely expensive psychological study discovered this to be the case. All children, without exception, ask “Why” and we did so until our teachers and parents lost their patience and stifled our curiosity by responding with “Because I said so!”

    “Why?” is the first step to wisdom. It is possible to perform highly complex tasks by rote, with no knowledge of why we’re doing what we’re doing, but the moment something unexpected happens, then we’re lost. Once our written script fails us, then we have none of the knowledge necessary to help us create a new one. On the other hand, if we know “why” we were doing what we were doing, then we have at least a fighting chance of figuring out what to do in new circumstances.

    Despite the attempt by the adults of our childhood to relegate the question “Why” to the list of seven questions we must never ask in public, we all still have this inherent need to know the “Why” behind any command or instruction, especially when we’re being asked to change.

  • http://www.EclecticChange.com/ Roberta Hill

    Peter, thanks for the excerpt. Appreciate the extra addition – so not only should leaders learn to ask “Why” appropriately but they should be encouraging followers to do the same if sustainable change is to occur.

  • http://www.technobility.com/ Peter de Jager

    An Organization that responds 'well to Change' is an organization that
    1) Creates a safe and welcoming environment for all questions.
    2) Truly welcomes the dialogue that questions initiate
    3) Is savvy enough to KNOW in advance what the key questions are, and is deeply prepared to answer them.

    Organizations that are lousy at Change
    1) Fear questions – and punish those who have the temerity to ask 'why'…
    The employee 'crime' committed in the 'book' 'Who Moved my Cheese' are the 'little' people who have the gall to ask 'Why?'
    2) Ignore the important questions… who will speak for HOURS without addressing the important questions. For example… Will I lose my job?
    3) Cannot answer the question 'Why is this Change necessary?'

    As you can tell? The question 'Why?' is both a Touchstone and a Hot Button for me.

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